Sebastian E.: Looking at Life and Death

The work of designer Sebastian Errazuriz is remarkable in both its elegance and power. Looking at life and death through his eyes does more than remind us of our mortality; it helps us to grasp these overwhelming issues in a beautifully intuitive way. Though Sebastian's work is witty and playful, do not be fooled into thinking that it is lighthearted or flippant. Along with its elegance, Sebastian's work holds the power to heal and to inspire change. My sincere thanks to Mr. Errazuriz for allowing me to share this work on The Daily Undertaker.

The Boat Coffin

THE BOAT COFFIN 2008

Wood, stainless steel motor, fabric, acrylic paint, polyurethane

Sebastian aboard the Boat Coffin. What kind of voyage will we be taking in such a craft? What spiritual anchors are employed on this lifeboat?

Death is The Only Certainty In Life

DEATH IS THE ONLY CERTAINTY IN LIFE
South Beach, Miami 2009

A plane flies over South Beach with a banner that reads: "Death is the only certainty in life". The original phrase intended for the project read: "We are all going to die”. Nevertheless the Federal Aviation Administration decided to censor the project due to the alarm such a phrase could create amongst the population. A series of phrases related to the awareness of death and life were sent to the airline for the approval of the FAA. “Death is the only certainty in life” was allowed. Its shorter version: “Death is the only certainty” was not allowed. -(Artist Statement)

Do artists have an societal obligation to remind us of the unpleasant realities we ignore? If so, what is the best way to communicate a message like this? One might argue that this statement written in the sky is an obvious fact that is not news to anyone, but certainly the FAA had concerns about it.

Would this message have a different meaning if the sky was overcast, rather than a beautiful blue?

An Attempt to Understand a Statistic

Statistics can be deceptive, even when accurate. When we hear how many have died in a natural disaster, or how many billions are spent on this or that, our minds haven't even wrapped around it, let alone our hearts. Sebastian's next project helps us with both.

AN ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND A STATISTIC
Brooklyn, New York 2009

1100 white crosses are planted into the ground in a waterside park in DUMBO. A group of 40 volunteers forms a line and starts walking forward, planting a cross in each step until the meadow is turned into a temporary cemetery. The 1100 crosses represent the number of people who die in NYC every week. The installation attempts to create an image that illustrates this number and helps us understand the inevitable statistic of life. - (Artist' s Statement)

Memorial Of A Concentration Camp

This final piece was my introduction to Sebastian Errazuriz, via Charles Cowling's Good Funeral Guide. This work is perhaps the most powerful, elegant and healing memorial I have yet encountered. To even approach an issue this painful and disturbing takes a great deal of sensitivity and tact. To accomplish what Sebastian has accomplished involves a wisdom and humanity that we can all aspire to.

First, a little background information from a post 'The Killing Fields, Political violence on the Soccer Pitch' by David Keyes on his blog, Culture of Soccer .

Prisoners stand on the terraces of Chile’s National Stadium in 1973

One of the most well known instances of political violence occurring in a soccer stadium occurred in Chile. Shortly after seizing power in a military coup, dictator Augusto Pinochet rounded up many thousands of his political enemies and took them to the National Stadium, where they remained for several months. Conditions in the stadium were awful, with torture common. Many murders were also carried out at the stadium. A Chilean commission studying the torture later offered even more details:

[T]he room for medical treatment was sometimes used for [torture]. Firing squads were simulated and other cruel techniques were employed. As a rule the prisoners were subjected to constant and intense interrogation.

The representatives and medical representatives of the IRCC (International Red Cross Committee) have found that many prisoners show signs they have undergone psychological and physical torture.

This Commission also concluded that a number of executions took place inside the National Stadium. Culture of Soccer

-from The Killing Fields: Political Violence on the Soccer Pitch by David Keyes

http://cultureofsoccer.com/2007/02/14/the-killing-fields-political-violence-on-the-soccer-pitch/

MEMORIAL OF A CONCENTRATION CAMP

Santiago, Chile 2006

A 10-meter magnolia tree is planted in the center of Chile’s National Stadium where dictator Pinochet in 1973 imprisoned thousands of political prisoners who were tortured and killed. After planting the tree, the stadium doors are open to the public as a park; offering a space to stop, look again, and remember.

An impossible, cathartic soccer match played before 20.000 people, closes the project after a week of activity. - (Artist's Statement)

Sebastian Errazuriz

SEBASTIAN ERRAZURIZ (1977)

Chilean born, New York based artist and designer Sebastian Errazuriz seeks to create works that can remind people of their mortality, invite them to look again at their lives and question at their daily routines.

His obsession with the dichotomies of life and death are present in his sculptures, public art works, consumer objects, furniture and even fashion.

Selected one of the top emerging designers by I.D magazine, he has also been chosen Chilean Designer of the Year, and received multiple awards by design competitions, and the international media.

His large scale avant-garde public artwork has received critical acclaim. His unique pieces have been incorporated in over 40 exhibitions including Tokyo, New York, Paris and Barcelona. His portrait on multiple magazine covers and hundred of articles showcasing his work, illustrate the interest of the critics and media which follow closely every one of his new projects.

Born in Santiago, Chile and raised in London, Sebastian followed art courses in Washington and film courses in Edinburgh, Design in Santiago and later received an MFA at New York University. At age 28, Sebastian and the Campana’s were the only living South Americans to be auctioned at Sotheby’s Important 20th Century Designs. His design work currently forms part of several international private collections.

Based in New York and with offices and workshops in Santiago; as an artist Sebastian is currently preparing public urban art installations for New York, Madrid and Santiago. As a designer, he is creating products for clients ranging from the design shop of the Museum of Modern Art in New York to private commissions and interiors. Faculty member and university teacher Sebastian has regularly participated with personal editorial columns in newspapers, magazines, radio and television. - bio from website

for more of Sebastian's thought provoking work, visit his website, Meet Sebastian.com

The Celebrant: A Conversation with Dorry Bless

Celebrant Dorry Bless

Ritual is a powerful and important part of our lives, whether we realize it or not. As a community, we recognize, and acknowledge milestone events. We celebrate and mourn the passing of the old, and the promise of the new. Without life cycle markers like baptisms, bar mitzvahs confirmations, graduations, marriage ceremonies, anniversaries and funerals, we lose essential opportunities to share our joys and sorrows. These ceremonies are not just for the benefit of the community; they help us to orient ourselves, give us perspective, and provide us with reassurance when we face new roles and challenges in life.

For many people today, the tried and true ceremonies from our religious and ethnic traditions no longer seem relevant. The message of a traditional ceremony may not fit the life or values and needs of those involved, or an event that is important to us may not have a traditional ceremony or officiant to mark it. Ritual and ceremony are still vital to us, though, so new, more meaningful events must be created.

Dorry Bless, a certified celebrant and the founder of Circle of Life Ceremonies, works with clients to create distinctive and unique ceremonies for rites of passage events. She is one of a growing group of professionals who help to craft and enact these ceremonies. Ms. Bless has graciously agreed to share her thoughts and experiences as a celebrant on The Daily Undertaker.

Pat McNally: You work with a diverse group of clients in creating ceremonies for a wide variety of milestone life events. What are some of the elements that are common to all these ceremonies? What do you see as some important differences?

Dorry Bless: The universal element I see in the varied ceremonies and rituals I create in collaboration with my clients; is the desire for my clients to express themselves in a meaningful and significant way. They want to do this surrounded by their loved ones. They want to feel supported and understood. They want to feel connected to themselves and to others. Inevitably, they are drawn to work with a life-cycle celebrant® because they feel a deep need, even a longing, to mark the life passage they are experiencing in a way that resonates for them. Together, we explore and discover where the meaning and significance lies for them in the life-change they are meeting. My training as a ceremony specialist allows me to guide them on this journey and suggest those elements and rituals -- whether they originate from a world tradition, a faith tradition, mythology, pop culture, classic or contemporary literature; or even from their everyday life -- assuring that whatever is chosen speaks to them. All this is accomplished while considering the purpose of the ceremony, the tone, the physical space, who will be present, who will participate, the flow and the parts of the ceremony, and certainly the order of the ceremony. It is most important to consciously 'hold' the physical/emotional/spiritual space or container for the ceremony so that the individual(s)along with their community can mark and acknowledge the particular transitional life moment in a safe and gratifying way . Life-cycle celebrants®, as you know Pat from your work, are specialists who build their ceremonies within that traditional structure and framework but pay special attention to and care for the client's heart.

The most significant difference lies in the beauty of each individual's story; and as result the composite of all the parts creates a singularly unique and one-of-a-kind ceremony. 20th century scholar and philosopher, Martin Buber said, . "Every person born into this world represents something new, something that never existed before, something original and unique. It is the duty of every person to know and consider that she is unique in the world in her particular character, and that there has never been someone like her before. For if there had been someone like her before, there would be no need for her to be in the world. Every single person is a new thing in the world and is called upon to fulfill her particularity in the world."

We tend to see our clients and their lives as a 'work of art'. The ordinary is truly recognized as the extraordinary when we look closely and pay attention. The small gestures are the big ones - -the kindnesses that make life wonderful and worthwhile. We paint their story with the words, readings and rituals selected. Everyone experiences their own version of the hero's journey throughout their lives -- even when they veer off that path due to circumstance. Ceremony allows us to view this and experience it on a heartfelt and cellular level. Each client's story is reflected in a way that is truthful, authentic and genuine to them so that each ceremony is ultimately different. Although a wedding ceremony is still a wedding ceremony, a memorial or funeral still a memorial or funeral; still when you learn about Megan's initial reaction when she met Seth while watching Monday night football at a bar, or in the case of a memorial, you hear the beautiful poems Carol wrote as the cancer was ravaging her body; or we do a sunflower ritual graveside to pay tribute to Heidi's life -- a sunflower lover whose whole house was directed with them, or the lullaby that Nick's mom use to sing to him when he was just a little boy is sung aloud --then the context becomes one in which it's possible for the heart of participant and witness to meet one another and merge. Good ceremony creates an opening for both the one experiencing the life-change along with those that have come to be the witness. Kathleen Norris in "The Cloister Walk" says: “Good liturgy can act like an icon; a window into a world in which our concepts of space, time, and even stone are pleasurably bent out of shape. Good liturgy is a living poem, and ceremony is the key. Good ceremony makes room for all the dimensions of human experience in the hope that, together, we will discover something that transforms us. This is why I suspect that individuals can’t create true ceremony for themselves alone. Ceremony requires that we work with others in the humbling give and take of communal existence.”

So, she is saying that we need a kind of community to create ceremony. This makes sense to me in that ceremony is really a community event. Especially with end of life ceremonies, the public acknowledgement of the importance of the life and its passing is vitally important. At one time most people had a close knit community of faith and existing ceremonies. Today, many people describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. There is also the trend toward ‘a la carte’ religion, where people pick and choose various elements that appeal to them, rather than accepting the whole package. In my experience as a celebrant, some people initially talk about a service without religious content, but later end up asking for the 23^rd psalm or the Lord’s Prayer. Many just don’t seem to want a particular religious message forced upon them, or prefer the focus to be on the person’s life, and not on God. Do you find that even in secular services, spiritual matters are still seen as important? Do you find that you clients enjoy the freedom to incorporate various traditions within one ceremony?

Absolutely. I think more and more people are drawn to work with a celebrant because they themselves (the clients) are a product of our contemporary culture. They have been exposed to different religions and cultures, they might have grown up in an interfaith home or traveled extensively. Since people move more frequently these days, and live a great distance from their families, they are often no longer affiliated with a faith tradition, or no longer practice the religious faith they were raised in but still retain some of its' teachings and impressions. As a result they feel more at ease integrating different practices or prayers which are meaningful to them. Many identify themselves as 'spiritual' and are actually looking for guidance in how to express this. Many breathe a sigh of relief when they realize this is possible and that they will be able to memorialize a loved one with Tibetan Bells or have the handfasting at a wedding that also incorporates 'breaking the glass'. I find that even those with a religious background welcome the sound of the Tibetan Bells. I often ring them at the beginning of the ceremony (if the client approves) to sanctify the space and then 'close out' the ceremony with them at the end. The sound of the bells invites us to stop, be present, and recognize that wherever we gather to observe, recognize, acknowledge, pay tribute or celebrate is truly sacred space and sacred time.

Tradition and personalization are often seen as two ends of a continuum for funeral services. Certainly both are important, but unfortunately, sometimes they can be mutually exclusive. What ways have you found to get the right combinations or the best of both worlds for you clients?

Pat as you mentioned in the previous question -- many realize they want to include the 23rd Psalm or Lord's Prayer, or in the Jewish funeral -- the Kaddish. Time and again, I see how comforting it is to include an element that reflects some piece from their childhood - - often, just the sound of those words bring great peace and ease or confer authority or credibility in an important way. But there is room for both -- so we might do a stone blessing ritual or a tree planting too. Or ring the Tibetan Bells as I mentioned earlier. When elements that appear to be disparate are woven together with care, within the context and purpose of the ceremony -- they can fit together beautifully. There is actually room within the formal context of ceremony for both expressions as long as the placement and rationale for including them is part of the flow and overall purpose of the ceremony. Songwriter and poet, Leonard Cohen, says; "There is a crack, a crack in everything -- That's how the light gets in."

Celebrancy gives us permission to find the 'crack' -- it even welcomes it -- and from there one can create a custom tapestry and find meaning in the old and the new.

In many communities in the US and the UK, and probably elsewhere, celebrants and funeral directors do not always see eye to eye. Celebrants may feel that funeral directors are not presenting all the service options to families, and funeral directors may feel that celebrants leave them out of the picture in the services they create. What are some of your experiences working with funeral homes, and how can we work together to better serve our families?

Funeral home owners and directors are dedicated professionals. Often their service to the community is unnoticed. They work in the one building in the community most people never want to have to enter -- and when they do - - it is associated with sadness and grief. Life-cycle celebrants® respect the funeral directors dedication and integrity. I think the conversation between the funeral director and the celebrant is just beginning. Both serve with compassion. Both want what is best for the client family. The celebrant is looking to give voice to the family who would resonate with a personal ceremony/ritual -- the client who wants to have input and a 'say' in their loved one's ceremony. A life-cycle celebrant® is trained to work as part of the funeral home team. They communicate with the funeral home staff every step of the way and value their input. The celebrant often relies on the funeral home director to suggest a celebrant to the family during the arrangement meeting if they feel that would be the best 'fit'. Really, the celebrant wants the funeral home to shine and wants to service the client too. When we work in the funeral home, we do so as a representative for them and on their behalf. We thank them as part of the opening and closing comments of the ceremony -- this is our code of ethics.

More families are exploring the idea of home funerals. Is this an opportunity for celebrants to redefine the focus of end of life ceremonies? What challenges do you see facing families who choose to ‘do-it-yourself’?

I don't think it's the celebrant's role to redefine the focus of end of life ceremonies. I think our role is to serve our clients and meet their needs, reflect their truth and that of their loved one. One client might be comfortable and drawn to pay tribute to a loved one through a home funeral. They might want to bathe and dress the body, prepare or make the casket. For another, that might be too painful and difficult for them. Each individual has to feel their way into their grief and mourning. A celebrant is prepared to support that process as they work with the client to create the ceremony. I think families who choose a 'do it yourself' need to educate themselves, seek out experts in their community and make certain they are within the legal limits regarding their loved one's burial regarding their state's laws. It's much like the home-birthing movement -- that appealed to some, most still give birth at a hospital but many seek out a natural birth at a hospital. Everyone has to be true to themselves and then find the professionals that can support them in their decisions. Personally, I am not trained in bathing or preparing the body for a home funeral just as I'm not trained or certified in mortuary science (that's for the experts). I can support and guide my clients in creating the ceremony for their loved ones.

Each family you work with probably finds their own comfort level with the level of participation they take in creating and enacting their ceremony, but could you describe what a ‘typical’ consultation would entail for a family working with you on a funeral ceremony?

Yes, Pat each family is unique. Sometimes I meet with the family in their living room, some I've met at a diner, some over the phone, others communicate to me by email. Each seems to have their own comfort level and of course this is often dictated by the logistics of the situation. Some speak about their loved one with ease and share photos, artwork, cherished keepsakes with me. Others I gently interview. Often one question leads to another or a long forgotten story. Sometimes a family member who is hesitant and doesn't even know if they want to be involved in the meeting joins in and shares a story. My role is to listen, create a safe container for their stories to be heard and for their loved one to be 'known'. I take copious notes during our meeting and might be given phone numbers of additional friends or family members to call. Some might call me several times during the course of (hours/days) writing the script to share a story or a sentiment they just remembered. Even when a family member doesn't have a lot to say, or there is discord in the family - still there is a story and somehow it makes its way to me. For that I am always grateful. I just have to remind myself to trust in the process, that it's not about me and to get out of my own way.

What do you see as the elements of a really successful and meaningful ceremony?

Again, this is individual. For some it might be the ability to access their emotion, their grief, for others it might be a heart connection to the deceased, to another family member, to themselves; and still others might experience a transcendent moment where time stops and they feel as if they've lost themselves (or the 'little me') and are present instead to the wholeness of life. In the end, it's really all about love. Even when it looks twisted -- it's still about love and hopefully that comes through. In the words of John Lennon, "it matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love, or how you love, it matters only that you love."

Many people tell their families that they don’t want them to cry or mourn when they die. The term ‘celebration of life’ is often used instead of ‘funeral’ or ‘memorial service’, to indicate that a more uplifting, happy memory centered service is desired. Do we lose something important by avoiding the tears and acknowledgement of sadness in our ceremonies?

I think this is another product of our culture and of our conditioned societal core beliefs. We spend so much effort and money defying death. We view death as a defeat, a big failure. If we look at all the books out on happiness, how to find it, how to keep it, etc....we see where our focus is. Perhaps 'celebration of life' is getting overused and over-rated these days as well. We tend to 'fall in love' with branding and marketing and I think we -- even in the funeral industry -- are not immune to being seduced by this too. I think we do ourselves a disservice by programming our emotions or setting expectations. In happy moments there are tears. I see many tears at the weddings I officiate. I also see laughter at some of the funerals/memorials I officiate. I think we owe it to ourselves to be honest; our emotions -- our personal histories are complex -- they cannot be marketed and put into neat, labeled packages. Ceremony invites sincere expression. Mystic, Andrew Harvey, says; " If you are really listening, if you are awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact your heart is made to break, it’s purpose is to break open again and again. So that it can hold ever more wonders.”

I agree, Dorry. If we are having an honest and meaningful experience, we have to open ourselves up to and allow ourselves to experience and express the laughter and the tears, and all the complicated combinations in between. Many families I meet with use humor in a wonderfully therapeutic way.
You can’t feel bad about laughing and you have to let yourself cry as well. As a funeral director, I have learned a lot from the families I’ve served. In addition to healing laughter and tears, the rituals I have seen enacted turn into ideas and suggestions that I share with others. What challenges do you face in creating new rituals? What are some inspirational events or ideas that you share?

Whenever I work with a family to create a new ritual I want to make certain they are comfortable with it. It's not about doing 'something different' just to be different, stand out or put on a show. It's about doing it because it means something -- to the individual, to the family and to the wishes of the deceased --at least how we interpret those. At one memorial I did at a restaurant, they were having a shrimp bar because the deceased LOVED shrimp. She told her family that's what she wanted at her memorial and I suggested that I could read the piece about all the different kinds of shrimp from the film 'Forrest Gump' to dedicate our 'shrimp altar'. That was right for this family and for this woman - others might consider it inappropriate. For another, Heidi, the sun-flower lover, the family prepared packets of sunflower seeds for their family and friends to plant. These were handed out as their community arrived for the ceremony. Graveside, we lovingly passed sunflowers and each had the opportunity to come forward with their sunflower infused with a blessing and place it on Heidi's grave. Usually it's clear when there is the 'space' for a new ritual. It almost happens organically and everyone is on board -- if not, there's no reason to do it.

Some families are easy to connect with and some are more difficult to engage. When we have a level of trust in one another, we can spend more time sharing and learning. It can be a challenge though, to make a connection like this with a grieving family in a limited amount of time. What ways have you found to build this trust more quickly, so that you can spend more time getting the information and understanding you need to create a great service?

Listen. Listen. Listen. Active listening creates a safe container and allows the necessary space for feelings to emerge. It also allows the celebrant or listener to really be present and non judgmental. It creates a vessel where the stories arise -- where what needs to be said can be said. In this context, you are given what is essential and from there you can create and compose an honest ceremony. You can also gently guide and direct the family from this place -- it is a quiet place but a powerful one. Also, I have learned to never underrate silence -- to honor the silence and revere it. Stories arise out of the silence. You don't need to push anything.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think that especially when we grieve, we need someone to listen to us, and remarkably, very little listening usually happens. It’s about them and never us. What do you see happening in the future for end of life ceremonies? What are the dangers and opportunities? What can we do to make it a more positive outcome?

I see people getting more involved and choosing what suits them best from the growing array of possibilities, services and choices. The dangers are getting caught in marketing -- taking human loss, grief, mourning and sadness and seeing what we can 'sell' to the individual to help them stuff or repress their grief or have the 'best' experience imaginable given the situation. The opportunities always lie in practicing dignity, integrity, and compassion in our line of service. That is what funeral and death care professionals do -- and do best. That is why we were drawn to this business. The positive outcome lies in following and adhering to our professional code of ethics --- our gold standards. They lie in working together -- funeral homes and life-cycle celebrants® whenever those opportunities arise and stand for everyone's good. Your blog in and of itself, Patrick, educates the public -- while also advocating for the funeral and death care industry -- to the choices and possibilities out there. You are a leader in beginning the conversation. That's really important and means a lot.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Dorry, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

To learn more about Ms. Bless' work and Celebrants, follow these links:

Her website

The Celebrant Foundation

Yoga Journal Jan 2010 article

Natural Awakenings Article

Video of Ms. Bless speaking at the 2008 Celebrant Foundation & Institute wisdom conference

A related article from The Daily Undertaker;

Celebrants Help Create Meaningful Services, August 2008

All photos used in this post are courtesy of Dorry Bless

Shine On Brightly: A Conversation with Adrienne Crowther

"ROUND SILVER/GLASS HEIRLOOM PENDANT"
by artist ANGELA BUBASH
The round glass protects your memento of choice -
hair, cremated remains, fabric, or anything less than 1/8" in thickness.

Shine On Brightly is a source for unique, personalized memorial art. A wide variety of memorial art is available, including cremation urns in various materials and styles, memorial jewelry, memorial paintings, handmade books, memorial glass objects, memorial poetry, and textile art.

The company was founded in April 2008 by Adrienne Crowther, former Executive Director of the Asheville, North Carolina Area Arts Council. She comes to this work from a lifelong passion for art, and with the belief that every life deserves to be honored and celebrated. Ms. Crowther recently lost her husband of 29 years unexpectedly.

“When I promote a handmade book from our collection, I can tell you that I used one of them as a guest register/message journal at our memorial service, and that it will be cherished forever by my family… the bracelet that I wear in honor of my husband was designed and created by a Shine On Brightly artist. I believe in these products, and they have helped me through a difficult time.”

Both commissioned and non-commissioned pieces are available. Orders can be placed online at www.shineonbrightly.com , or by phone (toll free 866-884-4469). Ms. Crowther has graciously agreed to share a conversation with The Daily Undertaker.

"SPIRAL OF LIFE PENDANT"
by artist JAMES YAUN
Ashes are spun into the piece,
producing a subtle, delicate effect.

Pat McNally: There are some beautiful pieces on display on your website. One piece in particular that I really liked is a pendant that can hold hair as a memorial. I have been asked for locks of hair on several occasions by families. I think that this is a beautiful way to keep and display something like this. Could you tell us a bit about this piece?

Adrienne Crowther: I really love these pieces also. In fact, before my husband passed away, my elder daughter cut his hair because he had asked her for a haircut before he slipped into a coma and she never had a chance to do it. So she cut his hair while he was in the coma, and for Christmas, I had one of these pendants made with his hair for her, and a ring with his hair for my other daughter.

The artist is Angela Bubash, and she teaches and exhibits at some of the finest craft schools, such as Penland School of Craft and Arrowmont. In her artist statement, she says that she “honors the tradition of her craft while referencing historical and contemporary art and design.” She had also expressed an affinity for creating work for honoring a life.

Adrienne Crowther

What a wonderful gift your daughter gave to her father. I’m sure that those pendants are especially precious to you all because of that memory. There is such a value to us in caring for our loved ones in their last days. I think that as a culture we have lost some of our humanity in moving away from caring for our own during sickness and at death. Certainly, it is often something too overwhelming for many to do on their own, but if we can be involved in some way it makes an enormous difference in our experience. I think too, that even when our loved ones are in a coma, as your husband was, or have already died, the kindnesses and care that we give to them are somehow known and appreciated. Even if they are not, it makes a world of difference to us.

I completely agree. My husband’s sister passed away in April (yes, it’s been an unbelievable year!). She had been a childhood friend since age 10. When her condition became dire, her children asked me to fly up to be with them. It was such an honor to be there. During her last days, I massaged her arms and legs with some herbal cream that she liked. It gave me an opportunity to be with her in a very special way. Even though she wasn’t really able to speak much, I talked to her a lot during that time, and I knew that she was comforted by our presence. Then, after she passed, her children, boyfriend, and I sat with her in her bedroom and shared stories, tears, and tons of love. It was quite beautiful. We were able to do that with my husband also. Both were hospice-assisted deaths. I’m a huge fan of hospice. I think they teach us how to experience the beauty in dying, which really is the ultimate event in life besides birth.

"IVY HILL"
by artist MICHAEL BUTLER
Based on photographs of special places, Butler’s paintings are
personalized by blending cremated ash into the pigments as he paints.

Currently, you offer quite a variety of different kinds of memorial art; in addition to urns, you offer jewelry, textiles, memorial painting, and memorial glass work. In your open call for artists what kind of works are you looking for?

I’m always looking for well-crafted pieces that are aesthetically tasteful. I also need to know that the artist is comfortable with producing these pieces more than once. Many artists don’t like to repeat a design. I fully understand that option, however, it doesn’t work for this purpose. I ask the artist for a statement about doing this type of work. Honestly, that statement carries a lot of weight if the quality is already good. I look for artists who are fulfilled and/or inspired by making art for the purpose of honoring a loved one. Many of the Shine On Brightly artists have experienced loss of some kind, or have been commissioned by friends or family to create a piece for someone who has passed. Usually, that has a profound effect on the artist, and they understand the importance of making art for this purpose.

How do you go about selecting products and types of products to represent?

I try to maintain a good amount of variety in the collection. I aim to have an inventory of pieces to match a wide array of aesthetics. You’ll notice that the collection includes traditional looking pottery as well as whimsical pieces. Shine On Brightly’s tagline is the Art of Reverence, so as long as it’s a well-made piece, I look for designs/pieces that are not like the average urn that one might find elsewhere. I like pieces that make me feel something.

"LOVE IS RED"
Colored Glass Urn by artist ROBERT LEVIN

Memorial quilts are an idea I have only ever seen offered on your site. It seems like a wonderfully comforting way to memorialize someone. Has there been a lot of interest in this offering?

There’s been interest in the quilts but I’d really like to be able to market these as a great way to process grief. It takes a commitment from the person who commissions one of these pieces, to provide just the right information and/or materials for a memorial textile quilt. The client works very closely with the artist to establish the spirit of the person being honored. That can include color, texture, shapes, and objects. For example, if a person had a very bold personality, then the artist would probably work with intense colors (based on the preferences of the person being honored) and definite shapes. A quiet person might be represented with muted tones and softer shapes.

Also, the artist will incorporate objects that were meaningful or symbolic to that person. She can incorporate a wedding ring or favorite brooch, a piece of fabric from a favorite article of clothing, or photos that are copied onto fabric. These elements really add that unique, personal quality to the piece.

Memorial Quilt by textile artist Norma Bradley

When I meet with families who have chosen cremation, I explain to them that there is an almost endless variety of urns available. What are your thoughts on ways that families can sort through all of these options to find what is right for them?

I find that many of my clients tell me that they chose a certain piece because it really reminded them of the person who has passed. For example, the Garden of Delight urns often remind people of their loved ones who were gardeners. Sometimes certain colors remind them of their loved one. Most of my clients tell me that they searched all over the internet and saw a lot of the same products that were impersonal and mass-produced. My goal is to spread the word so well that all funeral directors know of Shine On Brightly as a resource for people who want something unique and beautiful, yet affordable.

As far as advice to families, I guess I would say that being specific in an online search is helpful. Instead of googling “cremation urns,” they might want to try “artist-made cremation urns” or “unique cremation urns.” I also would advise families to be as clear as possible to their funeral director about what they would like to have available to them. Sometimes people in this situation aren’t really sure, or aren’t in a frame of mind to articulate that. In that case, I think it’s up to good funeral directors to be educated about what’s available so that they can serve their families well.

What can transform the selection of an urn from just a retail event, into a meaningful and positive experience?

When I work with a potential client, I try to get information about the person who has passed. Then I can make suggestions about options that may be unknown to him/her. One of the most powerful processes is when I match a customer with an artist. I receive calls from clients who like the style of a particular artist, but would like to commission something especially for that loved one. I then put the artist in touch with the customer and they work on the design together. That involves several phone conversations, during which the artist asks questions about the person who has passed to get a feel for the spirit of that person. The artist then submits sketches to the client, and they exchange ideas and feedback until the ideal piece is designed. I’ve witnessed this process several times, and every time, the outcome has involved a pleasantly unexpected, cathartic, grief-process for the client. The artist and client often end up bonding and becoming friends after this process.

Ms. Crowther's Husband and daughters prior to her husband's death

Participation can be one of the most memorable and constructive parts of end of life rituals. Many who choose cremation do not have the opportunity to participate in things like carrying the casket or sprinkling earth on the grave. Would you encourage participatory acts such as involving the family in placing the cremated remains into the urn? Are there other ways that rituals and participation can become more a part of the cremation experience?

I feel very strongly that everyone knows their comfort level with such things. For example, some people choose to witness the actual cremation. If that’s ok , then by all means, I encourage that. I do feel that the commission process that I referenced in the last question is a wonderful opportunity to participate in part of the experience.

My husband was a sailor and career tugboat captain. My daughter designed and built a 4’ sailboat with wood from his tugboat. She even hand-sewed a papyrus sail, which made it functional. She built a small box that she filled with some of his ashes . The box sat on the stern of the boat. We gathered his family together on a dock on a river that he loved throughout his life. My brother-in-law paddled the boat upstream, lit it on fire, and set it down-river. The boat passed us along the way, ablaze in glory, like a Viking funeral. The most amazing part of this was that the boat sailed down the very center of the stream, as if he was at the helm. It was fantastic, and touched everyone there. I know that it was a very important part of my daughter’s healing process to do that.

We also brought some of his ashes to France, where we went skiing last winter. My husband loved to ski, and he loved Europe. I had wanted to scatter his ashes in a perfect spot. I knew the spot as soon as I saw it. My daughters were there, as well as his sister and her children, and a close family friend. Again, this was a powerful event for all of us.

What a powerful and inspiring story. I wish that every one was empowered to the point that they were able to do something like that. Certainly creating something like the sailboat, and creating the ritual of setting it aflame must have helped you all to acknowledge and move forward in your grief. For those who are not on the creating end of things, what is the value that art can add to the experience of grief and remembering?

Art is handmade by people, as opposed to mass-produced by machines. For that reason alone, there is a certain element of energy, life, and love that goes into the making of it. Also, art is a process, so there’s an organic quality to it. As I mentioned earlier, when a client works with an artist on a piece, it becomes a hugely cathartic experience for both of them. It requires reflection about the essence of the person – what were the personality traits of that person? What made that person unique? How would this person be represented? When we allow ourselves to have this process, we’re really spending time and energy with the memory of this person, and it gives the opportunity to be with that spirit and to heal from the loss.

MEMORIAL BOOK ART
Hand-made books constructed from hand-marbled papers and silk fabrics. Used to commemorate life’s important events, to document guests and messages at a memorial gathering, or to gather stories, photos, and memorabilia.

Your family experienced a profound loss. How has this changed the way you look at the role and value of memorial art?

I really understand the emotional impact that loss has on everyone in a family. I never thought I would experience such a profound loss at the age of 53. I want to preserve and honor my husband’s memory forever. We have an altar in our living room that is filled with tributes to him. There are lots of photos. There’s a handmade book that one of the Shine On Brightly artists made for us. It has his name and dates on the cover, along with a quote that he always loved from the book “The Wind in the Willows.” As I mentioned, we’ve had jewelry made with his hair, and my daughter is carving a wooden urn that was designed by the three of us (my other daughter and I).

When I talk with my customers, and I feel that it’s appropriate to tell my story, I immediately gain their trust. I’m not just selling products, but I feel passionate about the importance of honoring someone with something meaningful, unique, handmade, and beautiful. This really has become a vocation for me.

I love the idea of using a quote from ‘Wind in the Willows’. I am reminded of how important the contributions of artists are in our lives. Weaving these artistic threads through into our death and memorialization can be a big part of meaningful ‘personalization’. Do you have any advice for people going through an experience of loss?

Even though I was completely heartbroken and distraught after my husband’s passing, I realized pretty early on that I’m still alive, and living everyday of my life to the fullest is no joke or cliché. I feel so fortunate to have had him in my life for over 30 years, and I try to carry him forth in my heart at all times. My friends have been, and continue to be, a tremendous source of support and love. So I would suggest that, when people feel vulnerable and hopeless after a loss like this, to try to be as open to that love and support as possible. It really helped me and my daughters, and I’ll be forever grateful to them for that. Also, I immediately sought out grief counseling resources at hospice, and have really benefited from both one-on-one counseling and group situations. Any support is helpful.

"COSMOS"
Ceramic urn by artist STEVEN FORBES-DESOULE

It is so important for us to open ourselves up to the help and support that is offered. It’s easy to say ‘Thanks, I’m OK’ when you’re not. One of the most valuable parts of a funeral or memorial service is that expression and offering of help and care by friends and family. We need that when we grieve and we need people to continue to look in on us in the weeks and months after a death. If we try too hard to be ‘strong’ though, the offers of help run out when we can need them the most.

Many people find a comfort in keeping the cremated remains of their loved ones at home with them; especially in a beautiful container. When a family keeps cremated remains at home, eventually they must be transferred to the next generation – if there is one, and that relative may not wish to be the caretaker. Do you think that families plan for this eventuality? What are your thoughts on this kind of succession planning?

I think this is a very important issue. It’s something that needs forethought, as much as succession planning for any other possession. If no one is open to assuming that position, then I would suggest that the ashes are eventually scattered in a special place, or placed somewhere like a columbarium niche or burial spot.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with my readers. You’ve given us a lot to think about.

These are issues that I think about all the time, and I greatly appreciate the opportunity to articulate them in this setting. Thank you!

http://www.shineonbrightly.com/

For related posts, please visit

Fireman's Urn is a work of Love: The final honor

Memorial Quilts: Comforters of the Grieving